[ The - Lost - Memories ]

[ The Memories ]

+December 2004+
+January 2005+
+February 2005+
+May 2005+

Sunday, May 15, 2005

i havent done this for long and i dunno why im doing this but i feel so ugh! and i have nowhere else to open up to. im dunno why it seems and feels like my family just doesnt understand me. when i wanna talk bout how upset im feeling my mom asks if i want some more tea. i mean! tea is less impt than my life! and my bro and father seem to be teaming up against me to lay extra pressure on me or sth. they give me unhappy looks when i get bad marks. as if that will make me feel any better when i already feel like shit. i mean, im feeling awful already, and friends and teachers give me pressure but arent they supposed to be the ones that support me and give me hope? why are they the worst players on the team?u think i wanted this? ahh. i mugged like mad yes i did indeed. maybe it wasnt enough, i acknowledge that fact. but i wish they would acknowledge the fact that i spent nights trying to figure out a theory or hours staring at a book trying to memorise its contents ah they just dont get it. and whats with all their wanting me to get to rj? i mean, i want my own life. i want to get there too, but with all their pressure its beginning to feel like it would be a huge shame for the family if i dun make it. GOD! whats wrong with nj or ac? and then my bro will say im saying all these cause i dun wanna work hard and i dun wanna face up to challenges. but how far can a person go? i mean, i really worked hard, and instead of encouraging me when the results arent as good, i get pushed harder adn scolded. ah lights out gtg.

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 11:53 PM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

helloes!

hope my partner is feeling better now! (: don't worry too much k? as you said, he made up alr. anyway, there wasn't a sale!!!!!!!!!!! someone just shoot me. but it's ok lah i'm in no particular hurry to get the sling bag. anyway, the whole place was filled for style wedddings thing. wow. all the glam glam things and pretty models. too bad i didn't stay the whole thing ): oh wells, gtg now! it's been ages since i've blogged but i've been busy! haha. alright,tata (:

ah wong (:

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 12:06 PM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

i just dun understand whats going on. one day its all lalala i love you you love me and the next its all u all are backstabbers. im not mad im confused. and somehow i know that all the comments were meant at me.its so obvious maybe not to everyone else but now u know why i get so decent grades for lit right?but the commetns are so indirect and weird im getting annoyed and confused. i mean,i rather pple scold me to my face tell me what im doing wrong. but at the same time i dunno how someone can know so much abt me jsut thru one camp and seeing me everyday. it just doesnt seem possible. for one i have never ever ever ever backstabbed a friend in my whole whole life. if i dun like somebody i will be nice to that person if shes nice to me but otherwise ill be sarcastic. take cher. i was really mean to her when i was pissed at her but now we re ok after camp. anyone.. if u remember me backstabbing do not fail to refresh my memory yea? and if i was wrong in anyway i think its jsut that i was irresponsible. i mean! i hate malay but cikgu is seriously on my tail now cause i did so badly. and ahh just feel so frustrated. but im not gonna be affected by these. cause if i am, im just going back to what i was, someone who cared so much abt what other ppl think of me. no. i didnt do anything wrong other than being irresponsible and i never ever backstabbed or used anyone so my conscience is clear. im gonna study properly and get my grades and not let these things affect me like they used to. thats what i learnt in camp. its so ironic! i just feel really passed out now and i cant ugh! nvm. i have to go for class now.

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 3:07 PM

Monday, February 21, 2005

wow its been a while.. okok well self awareness camp is over and lets just say it wasnt as fantastic as i thought it would be but..i learnt sth new and i DID get sth out of it. i kinda know now im really lucky and have in fact no problems except my lousy grades which cant be helped much by anything but pure mugging. talked to my mom bout it,told her how i felt left out when she spent more time with my baby cousins. she explained things to me and told me how lucky i was which i realize too. i can buy almost anything i want, my mom has never said no to me, i have a healthy body, stable living conditions, good school, good class, playing badminton for hostel(even tho cant play for school) and ive got plenty good friends partner angie penis changi airport twiggies nessa jessica. so i should be happy and i am now. u know from the moment they told me i was imagining it i thought abt it and suddenly it was like a flash before my eyes- like hey huayshan! stupid! like suddenly i felt free. i know it sounds weird but i mean it.im so so sensitive gah, but i feel so much better now.

im stressed for work! so much! so many essays for malay! and my english compre sucks! and ahhhhhhh. dunno. my coming weeks are quite packed and fun. this fri, hostel outing,sat second time im playing badminton! oh ya i played ytd with other hostel ppl there were only like two girls. i partnered some cheena guy against two other guys and we beat them! ahha not like theyre fantastic or anything but i sure do miss playing. had a chat with one of the indo guys there and he's rather nice i thought he was some poser at first. i shall look forward to playing this fri and sunday again.

next fri, hostel gamesss!! at acsi and i hope i wont get thrashed too bad cause my partner is really lousy, but a nice guy la. then theres the meet the mp session soooooooo fun! and im planning the hostel birthday thingie with three other pple and we re going FOOD shopping!! so funnnn. ahhh.

owell lalalala. lifes alrighty.haha lets hope it lasts. tootles!

shanshan :)

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 4:00 PM

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

ahh feeling very very hot now. ok let me see.. valentines day was rather sucky, i had malay and two tests the next day, yesterday was my worst nightmare, and today and tmr will also be nightmares cause theres so! much work to do. and i feel really bad, i came to school today with the blackest face ever and began being so rude to everyone. now that i think of it, its rather funny cause ive been dying to do some of the things i did today but never dared to. but i was so! annoyed and sleep-deprived today i snapped. at adeline, cherlyn, my errr partner, kim, aileen, melia, gah. feel quite bad. nvm im sorry im sorry if anyone of u sees this.

I CANT WAIT FOR SELF AWARENESSSSS!! haha its gonna be great! i can tell! ah i cannnot waittttttttttt.

im hungry. yeah. i gtg now. well then. byebye

shan

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 5:35 PM

Friday, February 11, 2005

okok its school blues once again !! haha i felt so slack in school today. first period was math and i got brain freeze when mr tan asked a question. nvm ill have to adjust soon cause DARNED chem test is coming up and i feel like faeces theres so much to study and i havent started. i feel like murdering myself over physics too cause the questions were from tys but as i said BRAIN FREEZE. esp when im panicked. damn! nvm. o you know what i found ironic. mr tan says medical students have no life. well that means my brother supposedly doesnt have a life. but he seems to have a way cooler life than me! his friends are so cool ! oman. im even more loserfied than i thought. haha.

i got nth else. just felt like typing. i like doing this. haha its kinda fun. ok

shan2

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 4:48 PM

Thursday, February 10, 2005

ok hi jessica i hope u see this :) thanks for ure message and thanks for the midnight call :p haha ill see you tommorow! leave a tag ok?

hi partner. okok ill shut up in school but let me umm pour out my woes here ok? hehehe.. thanks tho u very nice to me la u know *big cheesy huayshan smile.

i just finished my physics. TORTURE! i had to force myself to complete everything. but at least its over. i pray ill get decent marks. ahhhhhh. ok im feeling alrighty now cause its a hol! and im so unstressed. ahhhhhh. actually im feeling alright altogether la. hope it will last. boomboomboom. aiyah blah i got nth much to say. HI JESSICA! bye!!

+ walking along the bolouvard of broken dreams + 2:48 PM